Perfecto

Over the last few months I've been making a conscious effort to change my life; to be more relaxed, to expect less of myself. I've seen a huge improvement already. I feel better physically: I have less headaches, less muscle pain, I eat less chocolate and take fewer pain killers. I also feel better emotionally: I smile and laugh more, and most importantly I'm having a lot more fun with my son. I don't yell at him as much, and I'm letting myself relax and enjoy being with him without having to worry about things that really don't matter that much. So he wet his pants? That's fine. He wants to go to the park after day care and all I want to do is go home and have a cup of tea? No worries, we'll go to the park and I'll enjoy it... I'll even swing and run around and sing "nad ned" and won't give a damn if people are listening.
This is a fairly huge step for me but it's been great.
I'm also doing other things to help myself. I've agreed to hire a cleaner. I'm taking evening classes to promote my artistic, creative side. I starting seeing a chiropractor to get rid of the tension headaches.
I've been trying (not 100% successfully) to come to terms with the fact that I can't be at work 8 hours a day but I can still get all the work done. Work is one of the toughest things I had to change my attitude about. For the first time in my life I have a job that I really love, but I can't give 100% to it because I'm a mother, and I have a child to take care of. I have enough guilt feeling with putting him in day care for 40 hours a week, and I wouldn't want him there for longer even if I could. But this of course means that I can't be at work 40 hours a week because I have to take him there in the morning and pick him up in the afternoon. So I try to make up for it by taking less breaks, chatting less and working more efficiently.
Mostly, I am trying to teach myself that it's ok not to be perfect at work, and have a perfect home, and be a perfect mother and a perfect wife.
Today I noticed this article and which really sounds familiar. At least I'm not alone! Apparently, lots of perfectionists suffer from problems like depression and obsessive-compulsive disorder. I went to a therapist exactly once in my life, and in one session she told me that I have a mild case of OCD. I was shocked. I thought people with OCD wash their hands 40 times a day and do stuff like that. But then I started thinking about it and it was very clear. And just being aware of it helped me so much. But I needed to take that very real step of actively trying to change, in order to see improvement.
I guess writing this blog is also a form of therapy. And oddly enough, knowing that nobody is reading it is rather liberating: I don't feel like I have an audience to write to. But on the other hand every blogger wants an audience, so if anyone actually does read it, that's great too. It's a win-win situation!